Who watches the Watchmen? Unfortunately, I did (along with about 5 million fanboys this weekend). While director Zack Snyder adheres to the rightfully revered graphic novel, the Watchmen movie adds almost no insight or originality. It makes a kinetic comic inert. Allow me to summarize Watchmen’s conclusions (and perhaps save you ten bucks and almost three hours): 1) Humanity is capable of great evil. 2) Superheroes aren’t much better. It blows up the notion that salvation resides in us or our pulp heroes. Agreed. But while committed Calvinists may be pleased to see a Hollywood blockbuster address human depravity, Watchmen loves rubbing our face in it. We are bombarded by images of bones breaking, limbs sawed off, skulls cleaved in half, and dogs gnawing on what’s left of a little girl’s leg. That’s entertainment, circa 2009.

What was shocking and insightful when the Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons graphic novel arrived in 1985, now plays as perverse and pointless. We’ve already stepped inside a chamber of cruelty in Saw. We’ve seen superheroes riddled with doubt in forgettable films like Mystery Men. Even my little kids have even seen the interpersonal aspects of caped crusaders in Disney’s Sky High. Sure, all those lousy movies followed trails blazed by Watchmen in print. ButWatchmen the movie arrives after so many riffs on flawed superheroes (Hancock, Hulk, Dark Knight) that it feels like a waste of time and money. Too much excess, too late. We’re steeped in so much angst and anger, they we’re almost post-cynicism. That well is dry (and so is Watchmen).

It wasn’t interesting, engaging or entertaining. Maybe the TV show Lost has already made Watchmen’s structure passe. There are so many flashbacks piled atop each other that I found myself in the theater trying to remember when there was any action in the movie. I thought surely there were some interesting sequences, weren’t there? The trailer looked cool. Where were those shots in the movie? Probably just at the beginning or ends of long scenes of expository dialogue. With no drama in sight, I found myself pulling for Archie, hoping Nite Owl would dust off his adorable flying ship.

Amongst the more annoying choices made by director Zach Snyder: the music. Could Watchmen’s soundtrack have been any more obvious and on the nose? Bob Dylan’s “Times They Are A-Changin’” is used somewhat ironically over the only imaginative sequence in the film—the opening credits. Thereafter, the humor dies along with the Comedian. The music cues that follow make me question whether any irony was intended. “The Sounds of Silence” plays over a rain-soaked funeral. It feels as shallow as the puddles. Jimi Hendrix’s version of “All Along the Watchtower” sounds stale over Nite Owl’s flight into Antarctica. These earnest boomer anthems were already drained of their meaning by Forrest Gump (or even The Big Chill!).

When the Watchmen series arrived in the mid-eighties, we were already moving on to a new wave of music. When we enter Ozymandias’ corporate headquarters, Snyder serves up a muzak version of Tears for Fears’ “Everybody Wants to Rule the World.” Hmmm. Sounds like we should question Ozy’s eco-friendly intentions. If Snyder wanted to crib from the 80s, why not borrow from bands that reflected the Watchmen aesthetic? Bomb the Bass incorporated the comic’s bullet riddled smiley face into their pioneering mash ups. Goth leaning bands like The Cure, Echo and the Bunnymen, or even Love and Rockets would have added context and texture. What was Snyder’s worst musical offense? Incorporating Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” during an airborne sex (not love) scene between Nite Wing and Silk Spectre. She keeps (only) her black leather boots on to satisfy the director’s kink quotient. I have long advocated finding the sacred amidst the profane. But I’ve never been a fan of the obvious amidst the mundane. Actress Malin Ackerman must have an amazing agent, because as Silk Spectre, she registers zero onscreen appeal. Echoes of her horrific turn in The Heartbreak Kid haunted all her scenes in Watchmen.

As the plot unfolds, our fate resides in Dr. Manhattan’s big blue hands. The most god-like character in Watchmen has almost given up on humanity. His temptation is to flee to Mars for cosmic meditation. He can start over, building a new world on that desolate red planet. Onscreen, Silk Spectre convinces Dr. Manhattan to intervene. But the Watchmenmovie doesn’t give the audience a compelling reason why he should dare to care. It tries to manufacture emotion and ends up as lifeless as the Martian landscape.

The one (nearly) saving grace is Jackie Earle Haley as Rorschach. He narrates the proceedings in classic film noir style. Rorschach’s dim view of human nature echoes Travis Bickle’s rants in Taxi Driver. Even behind a mask, Haley manages to inject humanity into Rorschach and his back-story growing up as the son of a prostitute. Heartache drives Rorschach’s crime fighting. On the outside, he’s all bluster. To a prison full of convicts he put behind bars, Walter boasts, “I’m not locked in here with you, you’re locked in here with me.” Behind the chutzpah resides a deep sense of hurt. Walter may recognize how limited his powers are, but he will go down fighting to the decidedly bitter end. Unfortunately, Rorschach remains one the rare Watchmen to demonstrate any heart or soul.

Watchmen’s alternative American history was fun to ponder twenty years ago. We were still processing our defeat in Vietnam, digging out of the disgrace caused by Watergate. The nuclear build up felt like doomsday approaching. Author Alan Moore questioned the surety that Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher brought to global leadership. But their brand of conservativism has nostalgic appeal in hindsight. They thwarted the Soviets and restored a sense of pride to bruised national psyches. At this point, no one wants to ponder an unending Nixon presidency. We don’t tremble at headlines from the Cold War. We remember it as the last battle we clearly won.

Zack Snyder and his screenwriters failed to update the subversive spirit of the Watchmen novel. Our unsolved issues are no longer Vietnam, but the Middle East. The Russian problem in Afghanistan has now become our problem. Our geo-political crises turned into an economic tsunami. The skepticism of Alan Moore still applies to all those fronts. We’ve seen what happened when no one was watching our financial watchmen on Wall Street. Unchecked greed left C.E.O.s and bond traders feeling like superheroes who operated above the law. They ruled like Ozymandias, deciding what was best for us, under the guise of the greatest good for all. We got hosed by their trickle-down economics.

But the cynical ending of Watchmen rings hollow because we’ve now seen through that lie. We know that must question our leaders, holding their feet to the fire. So what would counter-cultural artistic insight include? How about a way forward?! Watchmen reminds us how deceitful the human heart can be. Given the avalanche of recent evidence, we have no reason to dispute our depravity. But legitimate hope remains rare, elusive and essential. Superheroes offer a momentary lift, a chance to soar above our circumstances. Their box office triumph demonstrates how desperately we want to restore our faith. We seek comfort from masked men in tights! Alan Moore’s graphic novel pointed out the foolishness of such misplaced faith.

The Watchmen movie may be the end of this era of quick fixes and soaring heights. It probably won’t recoup the studios investment. Perhaps will tire of such dramatic dead ends. The Dark Knight descended to equal depths. But director Christopher Nolan showed us how an entire system could be stymied by one chaotic interruption. Perhaps only a deranged comic book character like The Joker could approximate the psychic terror unleashed by the attacks of September 11th, 2001. Watchmen aspires to equal importance (and profitability). But working with five times the heroes, Zack Snyder can’t muster a tenth of The Dark Knight’s dramatic impact. The Dark Knight helped us make sense of a world gone mad. Unfortunately, such empathetic artistry remains in remarkably short supply. The Watchmen film is only nihilism for dummies.